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Tips for Surviving Zombie Apocalypse 1

Click to see Part 1 of Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tips

Unclassy Shit v.1.0

Fun fact about me… I possess an incredible knack for finding the negativity within anything.  I then proceed to bottle it up until it blossoms into a pure hatred towards things.  Here is some of the things that I find GAY… (not the type of gay where dudes grab fistfuls of chest hair and bump tooshies, but the type of gay like “that shit sucks, it’s unclassy, and lame”)

1. Printers – we have incredible inventions like panini makers, 4g cell phones, and shamwows.  But for some reason printer companies can’t create a printer that doesn’t jam or suck 5 sheets at once.

2. State of the Union Address – Obama is responsible for increasing our national debt, making a weak job market, and worst of all making me miss at least 2 episodes of Modern Family, and several episodes of The Office.  That reason alone is why I won’t be voting in the next election…I don’t care if P Diddy will come find me, slit my throat, and stuff my neck with cream cheese (in a classy way).

3. Talking on the phone with dudes - I absolutely hate talking on the phone.  Bros, If your calling just to chat, talk about your work day, or how good it feels to rub honey on your thighs… Then expect me to ignore you for a minimum of 3 consecutive business days after said call.  Keep it to under 60 seconds if you expect me to pay attention, and refer to me as Dragon.

4.  Asian lady drivers - Ok, so I do what every classy defensive driver does;  I leave roughly 1 1/2 – 2 car lengths between me and the car in front of me.  That doesn’t mean I’m letting you in you crazy little Asian lady.  Not only did you just cut me off, you failed to use a turn signal… and you can rot in hell for not throwing a “courtesy wave”…not classy.  I hope you poke yourself in the eye with a chop stick while driving.  (it could happen)

5. Windshield wiper speeds - Maybe I’m a little picky, but I find it really unclassy if someone can’t choose the appropriate speed interval for their windshield wipers.

6.  Sharing your drama on Facebook - I don’t like it when people share their dirty laundry with the world via Facebook status — THAT SHIT BE SUPER UNCLASSY.  For Example: 1) Using sad song lyrics to show your ex you miss them or are over them.  2) Ohhh em GEEEE, <insert drunk status to hurt your enemy or ex>.   3)  Going for a long walk to think about things (like how my bf/gf is a penile monkey rapist).   There is sooooo many more, I can’t possibly go on.  ** if you are a guy and you do this, email me your address and I will be by tomorrow to revoke your “man-card”.

7. Joan Cusack — Don’t get me started.

8. Sportscenter Regurgitators - When a guy comes up to you in an unclassy gay way, and tries to make you think he knows a lot  about sports because he can regurgitate information he heard on Sportscenter  earlier in the morning… Ex.  ” Like Ohhh emmm Geee Bertrand, did you see Manny Ramirez got suspended for keeping large amounts of semen in his locker without a permit???”

9. Bandwagon Fans – Around playoff/championship time, these little fuckers start coming out of the woodwork ( I don’t really understand what that saying means)…  Ex.  Superbowl XLVI comes around and it’s Seattle Seahawks v. Cleveland Browns (my classy real-life prediction of the worlds worst possible match up) and Mr. Bandwagon comes over “GUYS! I can’t believe you guys didn’t know I was a die hard Browns fan!  When I was 12 I had a Cleveland Browns POG and have liked them ever since!”

10. “OH EM GEEEEEEEE, You’ve never heard of ____________ before?!?” - People who try too hard to show you how cultured and smart they are by repeating the world and making it seem like they knew about it forever… Super unclassy.  Ex.  ”OH EM GEEEEEEE, You’ve never heard of snowballing semen into some other jabrones mouth??? ITS AHHH-MAZING!”

11. If you haven’t picked up on it yet,  I hate when people say “OH EMMM GEEEEEE” .  I wish every time someone would say that, they would choke on a butterfly… If that were the case, I’m pretty sure my boss’s feces would grow a set of wings and fly away and pollinate the shit outta some daisies.

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

Welcome back.  It seems that my laziness got the best of me the past um… 2.5 months?  But I have decided to make my much anticipated comeback with a classy review of the critically acclaimed sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  This time, everyone’s favorite Mega Shark (ya, the one that died in the previous film) takes on a Crocosaurus.  It goes without saying, this movie is going to invoke heart felt tears, laughs, and suspense.

Live Update

Opening Credits – Opens with random shots of terrain. As you can imagine, a whole bunch of mountains and caves.  Basically anyplace you could expect a Mega Shark, or Crocosaurus to live… Then again, I have no idea what a Crocosaurus is.

:02 - Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration is whipping some tribal dudes into some slave-like work in a cave.  They seem to be slacking off.

:04 – Tribal bros freak out when they hear a sound, and run off.  Leaving Bob Vance really sour and plantation angry.  He then is left standing at the entrance of the cave, only to be devoured by a huge ummm… Crocosaurus (To paint a picture for you, it’s essentially a GIANT alligator, not crocodile)

:06 – Scene changes to the inside of a battleship and one of its naval officers.  HOLY SHIT ON AN APE DICK! Our first black star spotting is none other than STEVE ERKEL (aging horribly).  Let’s take the time to share two of my predictions:  1) Obviously this naval trained Erkel will not be anywhere in the water (obvious reasons), so he most likely will live.  2) He’s probably going to close this movie out as a virgin.

:07 – Naval lady approaches Erkel.  I dont think I have ever seen the female version of “black-face” (white person, being painted black) albeit tastefully done.  Already eating my words from last post, she tells Erkel to meet her somewhere to bone in the battleship later at 1300 hours (military time for 4:30pm).  I obviously have great intuition.

** There is an unrealistic amount of african americans on this Battleship.  I mean the Navy does rigorous swimming tests, right?

:10 – Mega Shark spotting!  Shark jumps over the battleship, automatically qualifying for Nationals.

:11 – Frantically searching the ship for his lover, Erkel finds her laying on the floor dead.  Lifts a blanket up to find that she was bleeding from what looks to be her butt or bagina.  I can’t believe she was propositioning Erkel while on her cycle… Well regardless, she’s now dead.  The odds of Erkel ending the movie as a virgin is tilted back in my favor.

** Shark showing several inconsistencies with the size.

:13 – Cut to scene in Jungle.  Hot nerdy girl scientist (assuming she’s a scientist cause she’s wearing glasses) is in a village tent, looking very uncomfortable in some fashionable high heel shoes.  *Ok, well you brought it on yourself you dumb bitch, you’re not supposed to wear a dress and heels in a jungle expedition.  You don’t even meet the minimum pocket quota you need for an expedition of this size.  I mean where are you gonna keep your machete and floss?

:15 – Nerdy Scientist girl, for the sake of word count I will just call her McRib.  McRib pays a poacher (striking resemblance to Academy Award winning actor, Norm MacDonald) to catch Crocosaurus.  She writes him a check.  Idiot accepts, I am 99% sure there are no Chase bank locations nearby.  Amateur move bro.

:19 – I can assure you with no skimping on production costs, McRib falls into a swamp.  Is then immediately frightened by a normal-sized croc.  Freaking out, McRib then starts to rise outta the water realizing she’s standing on the nose of Crocosaurus.  He flips her into his mouth like a dog eating a treat…or a McRib.  Sucks for the poacher, cause I’m almost certain she didn’t endorse the check.

:21 – Poacher pulls a totally ninja move and stabs the Croc inside the mouth with a tranquilizer when the Croc tried to eat him.  Throws it on a truck (I am assuming by himself) and brings it to a pawn shop.

:23 – Erkel is being questioned by some federal agent in an interrogation room.  They are accusing him of the deaths of everyone on the ship as well as the sunken battleship… DID I DOOOOO THAAAAAT?  No you fruit dick, a mega shark did.

:25 – Hot chick agent barges in and offers Erkel a job to kill the Mega Shark.  She tells him it is an unpaid gig.  Stupid fuck accepts.

:27 – Mega Shark fin sighted swimming around the boat that is carrying the sleeping Crocosaurus.  Crocosaurus wakes up and gets in the ocean (probably to pee).  I sense a battle of epic proportions a brewing.

** With shitty acting and plot like this, you’d expect a lot more full frontal nudity and penetration.

Total Death Count Thus Far

Mega Shark – about 1,200 people and a battle ship

Crocosaurus – 2 people

:36 – Ugly dude is  fishing.  I am predicting he catches a MEGA SHARK.  I’ll let you know in 30 seconds how it ends up. ;)

:36.30s – Wrong again, he finds a Crocosaurus… Get’s eaten, and I lose another bet to myself.

*** Why doesn’t Erkel get more acting jobs?  He’s got the acting chops of a young Greg Kinnear… only blacker

:40 – Erkel finds eggs… General sends Erkel and Poacher to investigate whose eggs they are.  Either Mega Shark or Crocosaurus.  *Did no one on the movie set mention to the writer/director that sharks don’t lay eggs? Nah, that’s baby town frolicks.

*** Wouldn’t it be a cool twist if the Croc sat on a toilet seat the that Shark shot his load on, and got pregnant… Dear M. Night Shyamalan, now that’s how you make a twist… WINNING

:47 – A swarm of fighter jets shoot like 40 missiles at the Croc and eggs, and of course they miss.  God Bless our military weapon spending.

:50 – Croc is heading towards MIAMI… Sorry gays and cubans

:52 – Croc crushes a Miami movie theater that has a banner for MEGA SHARK vs. GIANT OCTOPUS… Wow excellent product placement. Croc proceeds to swat a helicopter outta the air into the Orange Bowl.

:54 – In about a movie time span of one minute, Croc travels from Miami to Orlando ( a 4 hour drive) and gains access to Sea World (Non-Florida resident $71.99 a ticket).  Where it barges in and interrupts Shamu’s show and eats Shamu and his 2 friends in one bite.

:55 – Croc is now in alternating between barren desert/metropolitan Orlando settings, being fired at by tanks.

:57 – Poacher suggests obtaining one of the eggs to dissect in hopes of discovering Croc’s weakness.  Cut to hot woman scientist examining aforementioned egg, egg starts to hatch.  (Side note:  Where are all these hot woman scientists coming from?  If I wanted to see any hot girls in any of my science classes, I would have to re-evaluate the my standards for the word ‘hot’ as well as the word ‘woman’)

:59 – Shark grabs submarine and body slams it in the water.  Someone call Vince McMahon cause I think the Shark can beat THE MIZ.

1:03 – Cut to Panama Canal… Where for some reason all the boats say their from Japan.

*** Erkel Sex Update = Still a virgin

1:05 – A slew of Battle ships and Subs set a perimeter and start unleashing a jihad of missiles on the Mega Shark… Extremely unsuccessfully I might add.  SHark jumps 200 feet in the air to knock a jet fighter out of the sky.  (note: shark looks about 4 times the size of a simple fighter jet.  In the next scene its about 20 times bigger than a cruise ship.)

1:07 – Shark and Crocosaurus start fighting underwater, causing a Tsunami to wash them both on shore.  The shark slides across the coast swallowing skyscrapers.

1:10 – Their fight scene just seems to be an incredibly drawn out 69.  (a little bit of blood may, or may have not rushed to the tip of my penis).

1:12 – What started out as like 8 eggs, has pretty much turned into 1000′s along the coast of Florida, and are starting to hatch. Amazingly enough, the baby croc’s are attacking the coast of Southern California?  I mean c’mon, someone in the editing room or crew really should have intervened here.

1:14 – Shark deepthroats nuclear submarine.

Total Death Count

Mega Shark = about 1,500 people, 4 battleships, 2 submarines, 3 skyscrapers, and 1 jet.

Crocosaurus = a helicopter, 3 people, a movie theater, and a mouth full of shark spunk.

1:16 – Crocosaurus knocks Erkels copter out of the air, from like 300 feet.  Hot girl agent is dying in the copter.  Erkel then starts referring to her as his fiancee.  ***There is no moment in the movie where they get engaged, let alone even really know eachother.***

1:18 – Erkel now wants to blow up an underwater volcano to kill the two creatures.  How do you ask? He is going to do it by luring the Mega Shark w/nuclear submarine in its belly, and croc with the use of sound waves? God this movie makes me want to punch a baby.

*** I’d like to add that his tiny inflatable motor boat is faster than both giant creatures***

1:22 – Volcano explodes and kills both animals and they spiral down to the depths of the ocean in 69 formation.  Hot agent lady comes back to life and rescues Erkel and Poacher with a copter. Fly off into the sunset.

END CREDITS…

Aftermath

Given the near impossible task of following Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, MvC over-delivers in only two ways.. it’s casting of ERKEL and the tasteful use of female “black-face”.  In predictable fashion, the black guy not only doesn’t swim, but also stays alive the whole movie.  It pains me to say that Erkel remains a virgin… Especially when an infinitely nerdier Asian scientist got to mash his nub into a girls bagina in the previous film.  I guess my only other complaint on both films, is the much anticipated fight sequences between creatures… In both instances it looked like the creatures were making sex to eachother rather then actually beating the holy fuck out of eachother.

Rating : 1.5 shits/5 shits

Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus

I’ll be experimenting, and doing the review via Live Update:

Opening Credits - Snowy Mountain tops… Already starting on a bad note seeing as how both “stars” are underwater creatures… or are they?

:03 min in : Hot blonde chick… all will be forgiven if she goes topless.

** already showing signs of why this was straight to DVD **

:07 – Whales are trying to commit suicide by ramming their heads into icebergs.  Thinking of doing the same.

:08 – Giant Octopus spotting… I’ve seen bigger

:10 - Realizing the chick is actually a 7.  I guess every girl gains +2 points when they are driving a submarine.  But on land, not impressed.

:13 – Scientists drinking wine coolers out of brown paper bags. Nice…

:15 – First black guy spotted… Obviously gonna be a dead man.  Or hero? Not likely, this movie seems water based, he’s at a disadvantage.

:18 - EPIC MOMENT – Shark realistically jumped 30,000 feet in the air and bit an airplane.  OOOO now I get it, MEGA SHARK.

:28 – Actors come to the conclusion that a Giant Octopus and Mega Shark are terrorizing the oceans, while the Feds try to keep it under wraps.  Actors don’t seem to have any concern over the findings.

:30 - Shark takes out a military-grade submarine. Obviously a standard move. I’d like to note that you never see the shark near the submarine, obviously the submarine shouldn’t have been in the sharks way.  This movie is shocking me with its realism.

:32 - Soldier wearing sunglasses in a dark room… Douchebag.  But thanks for serving our country in this movie.

:40 – Chick and Nerdy Asian scientist share an awkward kiss mid dorky conversation.  While creepy soldier with sunglasses is staring at them, gun in hand.  Sounds like she propositioned the asian dude to “take a walk”. Which in nerdy scientist language means “let’s make some sex”.  But doubtful.

:41 – Initiate sex and finish within the same minute (I’m being generous).  Not impressed buddy…not impressed.  Try taking your mind elsewhere, you’d add some minutes to your performance.

:45 - Octopus instinctively bitch slaps a fighter jet out of mid-air.  No one seems entirely concerned about it.  I bet that jet fighter pilot had a family.  I’m sure convincing them what happened won’t be too difficult.

:48 – My dog is humping my other dog… Not in a classy way though.

:52 – Weird pony-tail guy refers to the shark as “coming faster than a jet”… He should’ve said that about the asian scientist guy.  ZING!

:55 - Shark almost swallows submarine whole… Now I’m finding inconsistencies with the sharks size.  Oh well, I won’t argue because this is awesome.

:58 - Another douche bag soldier with sunglasses on indoors.  Never gets old.

1:00 – Propose the idea of having the monsters kill each other.  I’m taking the shark.  Octopus is a pussy. Octopussy.

Current Kill Count:

Shark – Airplane, 2 Submarines, and a Blue whale.

Octo…pussy – one measly jet.

1:06 - Awkward skype session between chick and asian dude… He tells her he always thinks about the 40 seconds they shared in the broom closet.

1:09 – Octopus took out 5 subs at once.  Obviously a strong 4th quarter performer.

1:13 – Submarine captain has huge ugly birthmark on his head.  Do you feel better now Drew Brees?

1:15 – Either the octopus is fighting the shark… Or they are making sex, in the style of which dogs do.

*** According to the movie, San Francisco and Japan are only like a 10 min submarine ride away from each other.  Thats sound geography as far as I’m concerned ***

1:21 - Octopus and Shark fight commences.  Just a series of head butts.  No counter punches or anything. Seems like both just gave up and decided to die together.

1:24 - Chick and Nerdy Asian scientist reunite and talk about living together… Seems a bit rushed and drastic, I’m sure they won’t end up regretting that decision.

The End.

Overall:  I don’t really know why everyone was shouting the whole movie.  Best actors were clearly the shark, and octopus.

Rating:   2 shits/5 shits

Pleasant surprise – Black guy didn’t die.  Touche MSGO.  Touche.

Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus Review

I will be watching the critically acclaimed ‘Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus’ tonight… My guess is that it will be nearly impossible to hide an erection for the whole 90 mins. Same internal conflict came when I watched ‘The Expendables’. Stay tuned.

Currently Departing the Uterus, Ready to be Birthed

We can almost see the light.  Upon exiting the earths bagina in the near future, we plan to provide you with very classy reviews (mostly negative), of shitty shit.  You’re one stop shop for reviews on shitty movies, shitty products, and most importantly…shitty shit.  While at the same time, keeping it classy.

See you soon shit heads.

G and G